My mom and I drove out to Lincoln last night, picked up my uncles and met up with my grandparents in York. We ate at a place called Chances "R". It was a very cute restaurant, had a prime rib buffet, it was all very yummy. I hadn't eaten that much since last Thanksgiving! We drop off my uncles back in Lincoln and on the way home, my mom and I start discussing my past relationships. She said I have the "guardian" personality, where I want to try and save people. She thinks I get that from being the oldest child. My ex was into drugs and alcohol, he had a problem with it the whole 4 years we were on again/off again. I was somehow always holding out hope that he would change, I'd be the one to 'save' him. I put my everything into that relationship, I practically shoved it into his hands. He'd slip up, do something to hurt me and I'd take it back. He come around a couple days/weeks later apologize and I'd shove it right back. I felt as if I didn't give him my everything, he wouldn't love me and he would leave.

We've been broken up now for about four months now. My mom says I have my confidence back, the last couple months of our relationship. She can see how much happier I am without him. Which is true, I can look back now and see what went wrong, I've learned from my mistake. But I don't think I've learned fully. I'm so scared that if I were to become involved in a relationship, I'd revert back to that give him everything or they'll leave mindset. I have confidence, but not completely. I'm also super scared now of getting married. I know it's not gonna happen anytime soon, but it's just that everyone says, "It's hard. You gotta work at it." But, it feels like I've already tried as hard as I want to try with my ex. I don't know that I want to try again, I dont think I could make it through. I'm afraid I'd give up too soon, and be too scared to try and work it out. I see what my friends go through when they're married and I don't want mine to be like that. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it! I'm still young! I have two jobs and I go to school partime, I thought I wouldn't have time to think about any of this, but I guess I do! I guess, I still haven't found myself.

We also talked about God. She raised me with Christian beliefs. I went to church, got baptized, went to Sunday School, got confirmed. Then jobs came along and I stopped going to church because I had to work on Sundays. When I did go to church, all I heard was "Don't sin! If you sin, repent! You'll be forgiven." Maybe I wasn't hearing all of the sermon. There are things in the bible I don't believe. The bible was written by man based on God's word. How much of it is added in because that man was mad at his wife or son for being gay? I read in the Old Testament that if a woman was married, gets divorced, and remarries she is considered a whore? What happens if the woman was being abused in her first marriage? I don't believe that homosexuals will go to jail. God created all people, he created them equal. God is too big to fit inside one religion. I have a lot of questions. My mom said that when I want the answers I will find them. I just feel guilty that I have all these questions and I'm not looking for the answers yet. She said I'm a young adult and I'm trying to figure out who I am right now. It felt really nice to talk to her, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about this. I got a lot off my chest. Thanks momma!

My baby sister is engaged! Her boyfriend of 4 years popped the question last Friday night. I'm so happy for them. I have to ignore the, "But, you're the older sister, shouldn't you get married first?" bit. And everyone getting me confused with her at work. I had one lady stop by the kitchen, asking to see my hand. (It's not uncommon to me, I have dermatitus and it flares up more so in the colder months) So, I held out my right hand. She said, no, no the other hand. I held out my left hand and she asked where my ring was. I explained, she still seemed confused. I think she thinks we're the same person! My sister came over last night and we were looking at a bunch of different things, it was so fun. She said, "it's even better because we're not pretending now! this is for real!"
Trick or treaters came to the home tonight. It was very fun. The residents loved to see all the kids. I dressed up as a witch, had the black and purple striped stockings and everything. Except the broom. Everyone asked me where it was, I told them I left in the kitchen.
'Til next time!

I went to see the doctor today. Yep, I have strep. Goody goody fun stuff. I paid part of the exam visit - $30 and $6.95 for the medicine. So it wasn't too bad. Hopefully, I feel back to normal soon!

For the past week now, I've had a sore throat. My tonsils are hugely swollen. They've always been big, but they're enormous now. Well the left one is. The right one has returned to its normal size. I've been putting off the doctor because I don't have health insurance. I lost coverage under my parents when I turned 21, because I'm not a full time student. I'm not a full time student, because I have to put my parents information down when I fill out the Federal Application for Student Financial Aid (FASFA). When you fill out the paper work, the first (beside the normal name, address, etc...)six questions they ask you are:
Are you married?
Do you have children?
Are you a veteran?
Are you going to school for the Masters of Ph.D degree?
Are you over the age of 24?
Are you a ward of the state?
If you say no to all of those questions, you have to provide your parents tax information. Even though, I live on my own. I support me and me alone, I still have to provide my parents information. Which means, I don't get jacksh*t.

So, I could get knocked up and go for my Ph. D in whatever and not have to pay a dime? No, I'm left paying student loans for the rest of my life under my parents name because I don't have enough credit to get my own loan. There are double standards and brick walls in this grown up world and I don't like it!

I have worked at the nursing home for almost five years now. When I first started working there, it was great. I loved the residents, the employees, the whole shabang! As the years have gone by, I've seen what it's really like. I can't boil it all down to one thing. It's the double standards, the 'clicks' that are worse than highschool, the rumors. I've also seen a family of sorts, friendships, romances, marriages, babies, and deaths, and everything in between. There are some days when I can't wait to just leave it all behind, go start somewhere new. But everyone says its like that anywhere else you go. When I go home and think about it, get over whatever was making me angry I realize I don't want to leave. I'm not as finished with it as I thought I was when I was angry. I'm sure there will come a day where enough will finally be enough, and I will move on. Till next time...